Just say no! When is it time to start disciplining your toddler?

In this newsletter, Allison talks about when it's time to give your toddler boundaries. For first time moms especially it's hard to tell when unconditionally love 24/7 has to evolve to the occasional firm no.

Love, Millie

Telling Your Toddler “No” 
What the research says about developmentally appropriate strategies for addressing challenges with our little ones…
By Allison Metz, PhD

The Issue
The title of this blog purposefully omits words such as “discipline,” “punishment” or “misbehavior.”

I think as a developmentalist, mom, and child welfare expert I have an adverse reaction to using such words to describe our interactions with our toddlers (ages 12 to 30 months).  I feel more comfortable thinking about developmentally appropriate strategies for addressing challenging behavior.

The reason for this is that children are often not in control of their impulses, actions, and emotions as adults are (or we try to be!).  We need to truly understand where our toddler is coming from before we can implement effective strategies for saying “no” or dealing with common events such as tantrums.  I always empathize with parents dealing with a child having a “melt-down” in public.  There is really not much worse than that.

Admittedly, though, I cringe when I see parents being overly aggressive with their children in these situations. While I totally understand our desire to end our child’s melt-down as quickly as possible, I also know that we can’t let embarrassment drive our adult behavior.  We need to keep a cool head and ask ourselves, “What is my child telling me?”

The Research
Toddlers often display challenging behaviors such as not taking “no” for answer by screaming and throwing themselves on the floor.  While this type of behavior is not acceptable (in that we want to curb it as much as possible), there are developmental reasons why this happens.

Brain research indicates that areas of the brain that control impulses are not fully developed in young children.  Therefore, children are truly incapable of controlling their desires in the same way adults are. Also, toddlers (especially between 12 and 24 months) have not yet acquired the mastery over language that is necessary to effectively verbally communicate. For a young toddler, having a tantrum or ignoring their parents’ wishes IS communication.

Finally, I have this saying for young children who cry over the smallest thing: “Everything is everything.”  Meaning, for young children, the littlest thing means everything. They don’t have the ability to perspective take like adults do.  So, yes, having a cookie, when they want to, is the biggest thing in the world.  Here are some tips for telling our children “no” in a developmentally appropriate way:

1. Don’t treat your toddler like an adult– reasoning with your toddler will not work.
2. Kneel down to your toddler’s level – children will listen to you more closely if you can look them in the eyes and grab their attention; do not yell from across the room! Being on the same level as your child helps you regain control over the situation.
3. Show empathy and validate your child’s feelings – expressing empathy to your child helps enormously. The last time my child had a public tantrum because I would not buy her a toy she wanted, I kneeled down and hugged her and said, “I know how hard this is for you.” Honestly, I think the other adults watching this at Barnes and Nobel, were taken aback by me. Here I was empathizing with my screaming toddler who would not take “no” for an answer.  But it worked!
4. Communicate in developmentally appropriate language – when talking to children we need to understand their receptive language abilities and understand that these abilities are diminished when children are feeling out of control or stressed. Therefore it is important to talk in very short phrases and use lots of repetition and exaggerated facial expressions and body language. I    always make a sad face when talking to my daughter when she is sad or hurt.
5. Follow through quickly –once you have gotten your child’s attention and used empathy and communication to calm them down, follow through quickly, e.g., take the toy away quickly, or leave the bakery aisle at the grocery store.

For very young children under the age of 12 months and for younger toddlers, tantrums can be avoided altogether by distraction techniques.  When your child is doing something they should not be, or wants something you don’t want to buy them, you can easily distract them. This would be a developmentally appropriate strategy for children under the age of 24 months.

By 24 months, distraction doesn’t work, and you will need to consider other tactics to avoid challenging behavior.  For example, you will want to prepare your child ahead of time for what they can or can’t have, and you will want to give your child plenty of warnings and advance notice if a big change is going to take place (e.g., they will need to leave their toys behind and get in the car).

What does this mean for parents?
We need to understand that when our toddlers act out, they are trying to tell us something! They are communicating desire, frustration, or sadness.  Our goal is to develop loving and respectful relationships with our children for their entire lives. This goal can begin to be realized in early childhood by demonstrating respect and empathy for our children while we guide them in the right direction.  We regain control much more quickly, when we keep our own cool.

Hugging our children when they are frustrated is a Gorgeous thing!